It has been cold

Lately life has been very tough with me….Throwing me right left and center ,beating me up so hard ,,,,and my thick skin just gets more and more thicker to my surprise …well am a Capricorn ascendant .I can’t actually put my hand this time on what could be the reason for all these things ,,and why suddenly everyone just feel like filling a case against me….I know that it’s a big mistake to neglect the Financial debts you have…and maybe this is the lesson for 2008 and 2009… My god, I just realized that since I got out of flex on NOV 2008 and my life is being falling apart. SUN FX Tanning is jeopardized. And I have not been paying my loan installments for the past 4 months ….MEN are designed to care and protect …now I am in the process of protecting my own life my own survival….and sometimes the fight for that gets really vicious , ugly, painful and above all you feel lonely ….I always run away from my family claiming that they don’t understand me…but lately its with them that I feel peace and I can find some arms to throw myself in….(not physically ) and my partner……is just a way ,,,all caught up in other things regardless if its right or wrong ( maybe these things are priority for her) but what gets in to me is that sometimes I feel like she just wants to get her things done and the hell with anyone or anything ells…..is this being selfish….or maybe this is how women with strong and firm personalities are ….(you always asked for that )(VERGO Women) they don’t give a fuck how you feel as long as she has a “to do list” it has to be done,,, even its buying a turkey or a bulb or chasing an open bank branch…..I feel like it’s getting cold inside of me…. even though she is right next to me

thank you god

Ok

Now this is a very new feeling…

A new chance once again

Now….i would like …actually instead of asking god for future things

I will thank him..as an act “as if I have already got these things”

Thanx for helping getting a new chance

Thanx for giving me power to control, people, situations, and circumstances

Thanx for making me a real leader

For being able to see the creative solution in every situation

thank you god

i dont like it

While I was looking for pictures on flicker under the title of

Jealousy or Anger or “left alone”

And I was kind of feeling connected to these pictures

I was looking for them because I felt like that. For a while.

She said it clear at the beginning “pls ,if you want us to be to gather you have to know that I have few things that I don’t like any body to come next to or to ask me to compromise. Work, daughter and friends. When you are in love you are always taking all sort of decision based on positive feelings. To be honest I always respect in a couple this part (the space and respect giving by each one to the other) valuing the things your partner values is an example of civilized and healthy relationship.

On the other hand you need to be a bit smart and read the signs that you partner is sending.

Working for almost 12 hours a day and then also week ends. Its an amazing sign for dedication

But guess what? This dedication is sent only towards work and then comes friends…..

Ufff I hate feeling like this coz I don’t have to…

For the entire day I have been feeling sick, Hungry and disturbed coz of my allergy

And now I said ,I go pick her up and maybe have few words and she can relax me (she has this effect on me) and then I get this

SORRY BABY I HAVE TO GO TO THIS DINER

Now ,I really I wana see those who keep on saying shit advices like this crap NLP instructor Ibrahim EL fikkey and his bullshit of control your negative feelings

Dud if I can stop

Anger

Jealousy

Disturbed of being neglected from your loved ones.

What the fuck differentiates me than a mother fuckn machine

Piano of life

It’s been few days; I have been jumping from doing one thing to doing another thing.

Viewing blogs to try to get some info about salons. Sometimes I go on the streets pointless just to try to get a salon name or number so I can sell my machine.

Reading a book

Daydreaming and positive wishing

Searching for …..

And while I was about write something,

I decided I wana writ something els ..

I am searching for this unrealistic dream life

A life where you live as if you are living in a movie

Its hard to explain but ,have you ever had this feeling when you see a clip of some ones life with a piano on the background, can you imagine that, it’s a normal people ,going up and down, normal clothes ,smiles, laughs and lusty thoughts & desires

Every time I open the window I hear a lot of noises, and sounds of people, cars machines,

Have you ever dreamed of opening a window and hearing the sound of a piano?

The sound of birds and the waves of the beach

The sound of camera shots

This writing is inspired by an amazing and very touching video I saw on my best friends blog

Called “bayroth I love you, I love you not “

http://projektcyan.com/

mood is negative

It’s been a long day today, my mood is negative and I feel so exhausted.

Visited a lot of places, and been trying to get something done, and as it’s a label for the Arabic world, nothing gets done.

I just discovered lately what and how exactly I would reach my goal.

Become very rich, own a “Golf R32”,”Pourche 4s” and travel all Europe with Marcia .all that from beauty and fitness business to finance my study in cinema and then go for acting” so am working hard to sell something, And its just so fucking slow. Investors still has to give approval on the final study, women that I know are very few, I have only 1 KD in my pocket need to find a way to reach these fucking salon owners. An add or maybe a Press release. Something will happen and make things work am sure, just keep on wishing hard.

A Conversation with an invader

This is a very old writing, that I did as a conversation between the heart and love

H : you know that your not allowed rather welcomed to show up just like that ...with no any kind of warning signals !!! u really cant claim that this is yours ….i will tend to fight back viciously…”says the trampling heart “

L: this is my nature…I come unannounced, and especially at the least expected moments

I am as you know “the summery of life in one word”

I am the cure for all those who claim they don’t need me and when they r alone

They hope for me to arrive..

Those who claim that the emptiness inside is not hurting them…

they know that in my presence time stops..

And your sense become so alert …u do all crazy things…laugh and smile for no specific reason …happiness becomes your new attitude

H:have you ever thought of how would I feel after u leave me

After making me go high….feel free as a bird…sing like no one is watching dance like I don’t care …u tend to suddenly disappear….fade away…

L : I might suddenly or slowly fade a way if you as a person is not capable of knowing how to keep me a live..i live on non stop passion…nonstop giving and gratitude

And the number one thing is HONESTY

H I have nothing to add, please don’t be late and visit me soon

And if you are about to leave promise me you will come again

very old posts

this is something i wrote in 2006

You know when u watch a movie

And specially in this part when they do the slow motion part with a kick ass soundtrack that just say a lot more than the entire movie could have said

And u feel this rush of feelings coming to u

And u start searching in the corners of your mind for memories or life stories that are similar to what u r seeing coz u want to relate to what is happening in front of u on the screen…

I've always tried to do the same yet I just could not find any thing in my life that

Could play this music I need …

Nothing that triggers this smile or this silence

Or even any type of feelings

I miss my loud laughter

And with every sunrise I put on a smile on my face forcing my heart to fight back this scaring feeling of emptiness and loneliness with hope

A voice

A smile that shines on me…..

In such a moment all sort of questions

all sort question marks appear

And demands to be answered

Yet the answer remains hidden…

Hidden between few simple words….

Words …spoken only by her

Words that no on can hear but me

Words that has the answer to all asked and unasked questions