doubts about religion

We cannot see the future because we are simply not ready nor are we wired this way. Our brains struggle to know who we are, let alone knowing /seeing GOD. Our weak bodies cannot handle this energy of parallel worlds and bending time. I am becoming full of doubts about religion. I sometimes feel that it’s a system applied to keep people under control. God defiantly exists and as logic dictates, he must communicate with us. But all I have is a bunch orders given to me by men.  It happens to be that history calls them  prophets or enlightened men    

We actually need some sort of order otherwise, we sidetrack. If I cannot accept other man’s orders, simply because he is just a man like me (so what makes him know better than me.) then it’s a time for a higher power to interfere. Enter GOD, ok who is responsible for the link between me and him?...again I won’t trust anyone . It is I and only I. Therefore, religion is whatever set of rules you come up with to guide your interaction with him -or maybe since he is the divine, these rules are already set. What are these rules? And what exactly would he like to say? Would he actually need to say something every now and then ?

Look how I used the word NEED.. this is a human treat . Our rules don’t apply to him. Therefore he has no needs. Its I who needs to know

the update

2013 started in a much better mood than 2012. i was able finally to capture the essence of Brazilian celebration of new year`s eve . I have actually came to the point where I believe 100 % that no matter what you plan for your self . there is a higher planer up there.  God always have something else planned for us , its not that we should not plan at all and live like hippppyyyy.

what we should do is, synchronise our inner Wants and needs with our wants and needs on the brain . once this ones happens , only then your plan will actually come to reality . how can we synchronise ? that`s not an easy task at all .My wishes ( not plans coz its not 100% clear and therefore not synchronised ) . by going back to Kuwait , I hope I can finally work hard, work from the heart . be productive, excel at what i do . become the best . Also make a good high quality living for once in my life time, no financial problems. no legal problems . only hard core physical workout and knowledge.i want to continue learning ,get an MBA or Master degree and then a PHD  at the same time AIkido 7th Dan. Living in Brazil, private successful business, teaching in Uni and Aikido .lets see, where is that going to take me 

One millions question

This is a post done via my smart phone .

In the past I had questions
In the past I had no idea about the sneers . Now I can say some of them are answered . But I just can't figure out how to implement this answer .
Example : I know that god created us to learn , use this knowledge to find HIM and also be enlightened.
We are unique in a way or another .
My problem : I can't find my own uniqueness . I don't know how to reach there . How can I help my self and others . Working for some one is not why am created . I am much deeper than that. But what am I exactly ? I don't know :(
I want to answer this question .
I want to find the thing that makes me
Significant for me . I am tiered . And I am lonely . Actually I want to be alone for a while .

very ambiguous.

I have been reading my old posts, and maaaaaaaaaaaaan what a messy life

I mean seriously if you read it u get the feeling that I am a classic bi-polar any way, that actually has no significant meaning. The current situation I am in is very ambiguous. I was not happy in Kuwait, for many reasons. In addition, I thought and wanted actually to leave. Of course, I never planned, and there for, when it happened, or to be specific, when the circumstances FORCED me to leave. I was like a BABY in a strip club, LOST LIKE NEVER BEFOR.

Today My wife complimented me, she said ( ï admire your ability of keeping yourself under control and not losing it   ) it is 1 full year without work or income. Yet with only teaching 2 classes of English and some help from her I managed to learn Portuguese, Aikido, Muay Thai, and now am studying online some amazing subjects (mathematical thinking, logic, programing, operation management, network analysis and intro to Neurology)

I have managed to read a big number of books for Dr.Mustapha Mahmud that I have to say deeply changed how I see things and think about spiritual matters.

I cannot predict what will happen or how my life will turn to be in Brazil. I can only say Hamdolelah that I am healthy, actually I am in a better body shape than ever, due to walking a lot and more martial arts.

As for how I feel , I cant describe that , it’s a very changeable state . one day I see things very clear like now. The other day, I feel like I wana shoot myself in the head ( ANY signs of BiPola HEHEHE )

But there is something that I wish I have the power to do. ASK god, what is the take home massage?

For each one on this earth , there is a roll, there is a reason why u r here. Who knows? How can one self actually reach this point? Actually, how can  a person know for sure that THIS IS WHAT U should do?

Because the master plan makes more logic when u see it from above.  Well, I wish it was that easy or even possible . I only know that, its like an interactive& intelligent  Game. This is life, an interactive& intelligent game. Depending on each choice you do, the next step reveals itself accordingly . Ok, what is the target you want to reach ? because that will define wither or not your choices are correct or wrong.

AHaaaaaa  so u need to actually sketch a Target!!!  Ok I have been trying to do so since 2008 , no luck yet. So my last words will be. Keep up ur hopes, sketch as much ideas and targets as you can. And as for me. Lets see how this LIFE/Game will end up J

Internet + free Ebooks + TED

look at that , 2 posts in one month :)
well well, this time the subject is diffident. If you were wondering ( as if some actually follows what i write ) I Couldn't go to Sao Pualo . because i dont have a Place to stay, the minimum rent is like 1,500 R$ and i will be making 3000 R$ only if i have 20 students . The school can only offer 3 students . so It will not work .
2nd Post is about :
The eager of Knowledge
Yes I now have this Non-stop urge for learning something NEW. i always want to sit down and dive in a book and LEARN and after that PASS it to some one. Teach some one . Ok how can i do that ?
MBA or Masters need money and also need to be in SP. So lets use the current tools we have
Internet + free Ebooks + TED. As you all know i have signed up in www.coursera.net
Its a project done in order to let people around the world to have Free Full class of some interesting subjects
Universities like HARVARD, STANFORD and Toronto .the teacher are going to give class to 33,000 students from 193 countries.

Any way, i am thankful for all the

the call back to Sao pulo ZOO

Last post was like 2 months ago .
Before Ramadan, I was actually considering not fasting . I thought that, the idea for of not eating or drinking at all wont just cut it. I don't care about food, I struggling against anther type of desires .

Any way I came back to my mind and fasted Normally....Guess what ,This was the Best Ramadan I had ever. i really managed to enjoy it . I pried at my own pace Long and slow night prayers . alone but concentrating . Any how The month passed and gave me a wonderful gift .. The highest  level of Calmness. and clarity. I for the first time in my life managed to completely shut down these voices in my head .

Now, I got this Sudden call from a school owner in Sao pualo. asking me to work for him and give classes .
You know what that means. BACK TO SAO PAULO. back to the city the i call the greatest vacuum cleaner . this city is sooo agitated and huge that it sucks all the energy from every one living there.

On the other hand this means Financial Independence . My current situation is really tight . i actually have zero income.  I did the iste7àra prayer and lets see how is that going to go....Its exciting and aluring
but SAO PAULO it self is a big fat  Illusion

I will take tis opportunity and Hope this city wont mess with my tranquillity  

they are all my countries...Kuwait,Egypt and Brazil

Hope

Hope,

I am trying to reach there. I am tryinh to keep my mind foucsd

Smoke, and stop

Drink and stop

Pray and stop

Hope and stop

I am lost , I don’t know where I am,where I am going  and what exactly I am doing.

I look at my face in the mirror and just cant feel this face is me. I am not that in the picture

Am some where els , my brain is trapped by my desires, there is a rope around me

Holding me, the same one holding me since I was born. Nothing changed. Its said that its not whom you are in side its what you do  . I know ,or lets say I hope that Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, I’ll laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding  myself, everything happen for a reason

God pleas , give me a hint. Help me, take it easy on me. My soul is exhausted .

Where do we go from here

This is the Question.
Where do we go from here, jumping all around the WORLD? What are you looking for Mr. Tamer?
Is it Money? Is Power? Is it Fame? Is it Religion and full understanding of the meaning of life? Is it to cure the self-trust issues? Are you damaged that deep? That Bad?
why? You have all the resources to be THE person you want. Why are you holding back?
The fight of back and forth between your soul and your desires will never be solved THIS way.
You need to pick up your mind for once in your life. Choose my friend. God is always there.
And he will always be the ONE that control the show. Inside you there is only GOOD, there is no need to convince yourself that you and angry person. You are not; you don’t need physical power to feel self-confidence. You need to rewrite the code and principals of your life? Well, do it
it`s a good start to define what you stand for. Learn, test and then conclude. I know that Dr Mustapha Mahmoud has a big influence. But don’t forget, his words are reflecting his OWN life
His progress in this world. He already had his own time, he had a diffident mission.

If you want to be what your desires want, I am sure you will get sick of it. And am also sure you will not ONLY be a spiritual person, you are looking for a balance. You are looking for new land. New identity. You also need to count your blessings; I know you always do that (don’t let that go). Give up these silly day dreams of President, Money laundry, assassin and actor. (Heheheh seriously I was always wanting to be one of those) you are some one else. Much more important, much more pure and much more valuable. Let go the self-beating for the past mistakes

Learn from them if you have to, but don’t loop in the past. Stay awake, Keep you mind open for what you are good at. Appreciate the Nature you have around you. Enjoy to the max the ability of learning new things, meeting new people. They all see you as a star. No more racism. You are blessed my friend
Keep that in mind. You do have the right to rewrite what you believe in, if you don’t stand for any thing
It’s time to do so; it’s time to BECOME real. Step out of your imaginary world.

“To my dear readers
That was me, and the effect of this song. Enjoy the music

How to fight loneliness

Playing this Song over and over, as it is 3:00 AM in Sao paulo. along many other 1 million thoughts coming to my head, i realized that i am facing a huge challenge. its re-writing my principles. rediscovering some huge concepts. what is loneliness ? what is Friendship ?
how do you know that you are happy ? how to be happy ? what makes you happy in the first place ?
why do we Need or Want specific things... like Money,power,company,religion and the list is long

Enjoy the music

living my life in brazil dream land

Last night, a question poped out.
After reading an article for my favorite Dr and religious philosopher Mostapha Mahmoud
Asking, once you know what dominates your desire’s and thinking, you will know who you are .
During my constant WAR I have between my materialistic and spirituals desires. I finally realized WHY am always in a state of UN-happiness, why everything is not enough, why am always WANTING more
Its because I am stuck in the middle of these 2 personalities …. I get attracted to life pleasures
Parties, music, money, power, women and the list is loooong. But sometimes my soul wakes up and pull me the other way and then it’s a matter of time until I go back to my attractions, and then again a soul pull ( if I can say that ) and that’s why am not capable of going forward .

To be able to really come close to god , u need to love him for him,not coz u want him to give u stuff
To reach this point, a person need to di-attach his self from materialistic goals and desires , how can I do this…I have no clue!!!! But once its accomplished. IT WILL END

Dr.Moustapha Mahmoud

هل أنت مشغول بجمع المال و امتلاك العقارات و تكديس الأسهم و السندات؟ أم مشغول بالتسلق على المناصب و جمع السلطات و التحرك في موكب من الخدم و الحشم و السكرتيرات؟ أم أن كل همك الحريم و موائد المتع و لذات الحواس و كل غايتك أن تكون لك القوة و السطوة و الغنى و المسرات..

إذا كان هذا همك فأنت مملوك و عبد.
مملوك لأطماعك و شهواتك، و عبد لرغباتك التي لا شبع لها و لا نهاية.
فالمعنى الوحيد للسيادة هو أن تكون سيدا على نفسك أولا قبل أن تحاول أن تسود غيرك. أن تكون ملكا على مملكة نفسك. أن تتحرر من أغلال طمعك و تقبض على زمام شهوتك.

و القابض على زمام شهوته، المتحرر من طمعه و نزواته و أهوائه لا يكون خياله مستعمرة يحتلها الحريم و الكأس و الطاس، و الفدادين و الأطيان و العمارات، و المناصب و السكرتيرات.

الإنسان الحقيقي لا يفكر في الدنيا التي يرتمي عليها طغمة الناس.
و هو لا يمكن أن يصبح سيدا بأن يكون مملوكا، و لا يبلغ سيادة عن طريق عبودية. و لا ينحني كما ينحني الدهماء و يسيل لعابه أمام لقمة أو ساق عريان أو منصب شاغر. فهذه سكة النازل لا سكة الطالع.

و هؤلاء سكان البدروم حتى و لو كانت أسماؤهم بشوات و بكوات، و حتى و لو كانت ألقابهم، أصحاب العزة و السعادة.

فالعزة الحقيقية هي عزة النفس عن التدني و الطلب.

و ممكن أن تكون رجلا بسيطا، لا بك، و لا باشا، و لا صاحب شأن، و لكن مع ذلك سيدا حقيقيا، فيك عزة الملوك و جلال السلاطين، لأنك استطعت أن تسود مملكة نفسك.

و ساعتها سوف يعطيك الله السلطان على الناس. و يمنحك صولجان المحبة على كل القلوب.

انظر إلى غاندي العريان.. البسيط.. كم بلغ سلطانه؟

كان يهدد بالصوم فيجتمع مجلس العموم البريطاني من الخوف و كأن قنبلة زمنية ستقع على لندن. و كان يجمع أربعمائة مليون هندي على كلمة يقولها. و كأنها السحر.

هذا هو السلطان الحقيقي.
هذا هو الملك الحقيقي الذي لا يزول

الحريم و القصور و الكنوز و الثروات و العمارات مصيرها إلى زوال..لن تأخذها معك إلى تابوتك. سوف تنتقل إلى الورثة.. ثم إلى ورثة آخرين، ثم تصبح خرائب مع الزمن.

أما محبة الملايين فسوف تصاحبك في تابوتك و تظل علما على اسمك مدى الدهر. كما تفوح الذكرى عطرة تضوع بالشذا كلما جاء اسم غاندي على الألسن.

الغنى الحقيقي أن تستغني
و الملكية الحقيقية ألا يملكك أحد،
و ألا تستولي عليك رغبة، و ألا تسوقك نزوة.
و السلطنة الحقيقية أن تكسب قيراط محبة في دولة القلوب كل يوم

تذكر أن الذين يملكون الأرض تملكهم. و الذين يملكون الملايين، تسخرهم الملايين، ثم تجعل منهم عبيدا لتكثيرها، ثم تقتلهم بالضغط و الذبحة و القلق. ثم لا يأخذون معهم مليما

صدقني هؤلاء هم الفقراء حقا


د / مصطفى محمود

lets hit the sky

i miss that feeling ,when you visualize the music pink floyd plays. guitars and shit...makes you fly. and then the next day you wake up. reality Hits you in the balls :) i dont think its gona hurt me any more. i got used to pain.
Now what? i am really sick and tired of being sick and tired . GOD please give me a small break pls pls pls. i really cant handle that. what is it the you want to teach me? seriously...am not getting it through my thick skull.what do u want me to do? go nuts? i am nuts ...i am trying to fight depression but its not that easy . can you see that i am always blogging about the same shit .....same shit different day am always depressed and always wishing for some stability why cant i get that ?

The ups and downs, the challenges and the mood swings

The ups and downs, the challenges and the mood swings. Kind of boring to keep on always talking about the same issues. But this time it hit Religion. There is this show I got addicted to in Arabic
Called “revolution with in” its all about making some sort of a stand against one self. And put down all the BAD thing that takes over your heart as a Muslim, one of those is being angry against destiny
See,as long as we belive that destiny is something already determined by God, so questioning it or refusing to accept it and deal with it .is kind of Questioning gods well.. Sounds big??? And not that Approved also. ~so I kind of gone that way….i really couldn’t accept and deal with my situation..
Got so angry and so mad, I tried zillion times to calm myself down. But it didn’t work, I was like” I know I am fooling myself.. so I don’t know what to do…I stopped praying ,got Back to alcohol. But even that I didn’t get Drunk and shutdown my brain..i get this extreme guilt when I use alcohol ( a normal person will say …daaah why don’t you stop then) I just get waek win some one invites for a beer or when I see it in the supermarket…this is very weak. I hate that but I am trying to get that dealt with..
Also this huge Uncertainty that is making me very uncomfortable , so I don’t know actually .what and how or what to do..i will start prying again. Try to focus on things to do like " learn the language in a school" learn some muya thai and by some time hopefully I can do master degree . In some time I realy really hope to land a job in one of those ad agencies like publicies or memac Ogilvy with this 10 K R$ I only have to wait and try to get over my bothering brain

Edge of Desire

Now….yesterday and tomorrow…see the unorganized patteren !!!!
This is how I think,,, and this how my life has been day by day, jumping from one idea to the past and then suddenly to future ,, what`s that ? a human brain is a funny thing ,
I feel like I am floating in an open sky …I feel like I am in the open wiled life…no boundaries
I wish we cn always be without boundaries,,,but to the limit to hurt others with our CRAZYNESS
i wish we could be with out rules....
we have music
we have love flouting
we have blue sky
sun shine
cost like tropical islans
palm trees

i wish i was living in a picture
i wish i was living in a music video
i wish i can control time
i can speak low and my voice reach all ears
i wish my silence was more than words can say

i wish my eyes can speak what thye see,,,,and my heart speak what he feels


i wish i was an eagle ....i want to have wings
i want to free fall and fly ...so fast that the wind would force my eyes to tear
tears of joy
tears of frustration
tears are all what i have in my eyes

scream is what i am used to

i see alot of poeple arround me
and i am extreemly lonely

i hear thousands of voices
and no one can hear my loud screams

i live in the most beautful natre , yet my cornar is full of walles, plastic,garbge and smoke

It’s the end of 2011…….as we all see and know, but honestly I can't be more careless
This 2011 has already damaged a lot that I don’t really see any room for destruction any more . I am so not gona give a daam or plan jack shit….the hell with planning and the hell with list of whishes and the hell with every single ritual I used to do.
I am in the middle of NOW where , and alone ,,,really alone, the lovely partner swimming in another depressed diminution. And I am just standing ther
With the biggest question mark onver my head and wondering NOW WHAT ???
I always asked to move to another country with this exact weather coundetions.
But then….its reality chick. Where is the money,where is the job or the business
Where is the well established life? Where is the extreme 20 or 10 K monthly salary
Where is the big ass house and the car and the power ….
I guess the question should be, where did all these dreams or wishes go..
I love my religion and I believe in it…but I am getting weak..am trying to control my burst of anger and breaking in tears by praying and convincing myself that this is all for a reason…
But come one…its getting heavy and heavy and am just getting….frustrated

If I have a chance to wish,,,and if wishes do really come true.

I wish all my dreams come true

Its taking me long time to write this
This trip…this huge change I am living in…the actual testing session to all your believes ,desires, principles, likes and dis-likes. The list is long….it's as if I am doing a TEST drive to my own brain and myself. I can't evaluate it now…it's still too early..it's been only 2 months.
I managed to get a job, god saved me from an attack on the street. And am on and off with religious obligations. The internal alarm is still functioning GOOD but my bohemian side just GOT STRONGER .. the good side is, in this side of the world I am able to BE…I don’t complain from hard work. I don’t feel lazy…and above all I feel like I can construct a pic of my mission and targets.

Day by day I am loving this place more and more…maybe coz its new and the experience is pleasant. But I have to construct myself…My house, and the social position I always wanted ..i can see it.. a success in work , great responsibility with 25K R$ and then my own Club…big house..and then getting older I move to the mountain…and meet GOD with a smiling heart and a peaceful mind

for now its PEACE LOVE and Thanks to Allah

It's been a while….i always say that hehe
Well yeah this year is one hell of a year ..i got my highest salary ever, and within 6 months I was forced to leave ,,,not only the job, but the entire country actually .. at the begging , I was extremely sad, and frustrated. To quite at my pack was really an awful thing .
Seriously , I was making 3000 $ monthly, and no TAX income. And within 24 hours I had leave that all behind and travel to a another continent . will now I am in Sao Paulo
Working twice as much. And earning 1/3 of what I used to earn.

Surprise is, I like it even better. I feel more at ease, happy and productive .
In a country like Brazil where you have the SKY as your limit. You only have to fight against Traffic , hairy women and toilets with no SHATAFA heheh (this is a serious disgusting issue)
I am not going to list and complain about thing here… this post is a positive one. I am in love with this move I did. Even though it's absolutely against any logic or reason. But if you think of it ,,if you keep every single thing to LOGIC and reason. I guess it will never happen or take place. Its beyond explanation , God has his final word on maters, and they JUST happen.
I am anxiously waiting for my flat to be sold. To start with my own plans and my life..my own dreams. last week end I took a walk in a neighborhood where my wife spent all her childhood. Passing by old houses and new ones. Passing by amazing architecture.
I still haven’t been captured by a specific house. But I am still looking around.
Trying to fix my residency papers, working hard with so little money and extreme happiness.
I am looking forward to speak Portuguese fluently , and then I'll get my matters sorted out . private business. Or a high position and a multinational company . I am finally at eas with life. I can see my life goals getting formulated and becoming clearer and clearer . and then its just Action from there on ….but

my power of will

I just realized how powerful my own 'power of will. And there for,
Am gona start with this line .
"I am in brazil after selling the flat successfully , opened my gym and working hard every day with a huge smile on my face making a very large good living ."

1 month exactly and after I anticipated that I will be replaced,…guess what, I was.
But it happened in an awkward way. I was the once asking to leave..(to be honest, I didn’t even ask) I just left which was embarrassing, I should have told my boss. Anyhow, that is past. The lesson learned is (whatever your father tells you to do. DON’T, just simply ignore.)
Any how this asshole of course replaced me. And I had to flee the country AGAIN coz I am a slave to my father paranoia and I successfully managed to destroy the great Chance I had to get things better financially and for once in my life….pay all my dues and live free 

Now I am in Cairo, no income, no job, and actually no clue.
The plan is to sell they only real-estate I have and use this money to open a gym in Sao Paulo and live there, live for that. Now when I look to my flat, and re-view the times I was so broke to get to pay for it….i smile and I remember a line I overheard on a Oprah`s final talk show.
(there is no such thing as coincidence ,everything is according to a divine plan )
Sitting here, and after I have pulled my wife out of there ,despite her 9000 $ income.
I tell my brain, this has to be for a reason.

I always wanted to leave Kuwait and live in another country, green every where, foreign language. And equality . so looks like it will happen . I will travel to brazil after selling my flat
Open a gym and make a success out myself, later on I will have a big house with a green backyard and the wife will share my life and success .

very very intense

Waw its been a very long time since i have been here ...usually i post here when it’s very very intense
So i guess u know why i am here. In the past few months some great things has happened, a country has revolute against its dictator, many lives has been lost and in the middle...there is me, with all my questions, doubts, hopes, ups and downs ...after my last problem that forced me to flee the country and delete my blog to avoid problems with authorities, I became less enthusiastic blogger, I latterly stayed out of trouble and kept my opinion to myself. But guess what...thats not enough, i just had another fucked up2 days with police searching for me, just to let me know that i am clear and case closed .

But in our fake world, the fact that a police officer would call you at work,(even if it was to tell you a good news) is considered freaky...
A friend called me happy, he has got an interview after he has been searching for work for the past 3 monthes. Guess here is it ,,,,it is where i work ....it is to replace me ,,, again and again and again

Seriously ??? waw life is really a bitch ....hard core one actually its this loop and loop and loop.
When the hell am i gona ever live ...is there something missing ??? what the fuck is going on....why r u doing this to me...what the fuck you need from me...leave me alone for god’s sake just let me be
I am tiered, and exhausted ...this is Too Much i am reaching my limit here,,,
God please pleas pleas go easy on me for some time please.

When are we gona grow up?
Those 40 year old something who still lie and deceive, still stab people from there work
Full of envy and just want people to GO or stay as their slaves....sick people how can i ever Kill them all